There are two sides to every story. Every single person in this world has a good side and a bad side. It’s the same for me. At times, I love to laugh and make people laugh and sing at the top of my lungs and dance, and poke fun at my siblings and laugh some more. Other times, I am just a big, dark cloud with no silver lining.
I call these periods ‘the Darkness’. It comes and goes; unfortunately, it comes way too often nowadays. And I find it very difficult to be normal again.
On a good day, I feel thankful for the things I have because I know I don’t deserve them. I feel happy because the coffee tastes great, and the 9gag posts on kittens are just the most adorable. Just silly little things like that.
When the Darkness occurs, everything is black. It’s like the Dementor’s kiss or something. I hate everyone, and everything. I wake up in the morning thinking things like “what’s up with this blanket? Why is it so bloody warm? Fuck you, blanket!” or “Argh, another stupid day where I have to face stupid people, and listen to the stupid things they say and just..STUPID!”
I never know how to get rid of the Darkness when it comes. I am just filled with hatred for myself and for the world and I want it to go away but it doesn’t. The thing is, though, I know why it comes.
It comes from being too self-centred. My life, my problems, my this, my that- whenever I start thinking this way, the Darkness always comes around. And so the only way to avoid feeling miserable is to stop focusing too much on yourself or your own problems. This isn’t easy to do especially when you’ve had such depressive episodes since forever.
But like, say, you could think of other people. Special people in your lives who make you happy, and who you want to see happy. It could be your dad or mom, boyfriend or girlfriend, or your kids or your dog or cat. Or it could be just people you don’t know; like the blind man who sits on the pavement everyday wearing shoes full of holes and playing his guitar like a pro, or the kids just around the corner who get so much enjoyment out of a single rubber tyre and a stick. You could look at all these people and realize how small you are as compared to them, and how you’ve been wasting your time thinking about yourself.
It’s like that quote from ‘Into the Wild’ which goes “Happiness is only real when shared”. Even the most anti-social and misanthropic people like myself cannot function without other people. Because we are human beings, we need to love and be loved, and we cannot get love without giving it. We cannot get happiness without sharing it.